Hey, friends! Woah, it’s been awhile since we last chatted. Life is a been a whirlwind, to say the least. I’ve been pretty open about it on Instagram but, if you’re not aware, I’ve recently gone through some life changes in my personal life. A close relationship ended and kind of turned my whole world upside. A lot of changes happened all at once and I don’t handle change very well.
In these types of moments where things seem out of control and I have no idea what to do I usually get quiet. I just sit with myself and think. This can be a good & bad thing. Sometimes I need time to truly process what’s going in my life. I need to think through my decisions, what I want now that things are different and how to handle what I’m feeling.
"My thoughts filled my mind to the tippy top leaving little room or creativity energy for anything else."
But, of course, the thoughts can go downhill really fast. You can start to fall down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts faster than you knew possible. All of a sudden you were excited about something and then it turned in to fear or anxiety about that very thing. It happens quickly.
This happened a lot for me over the past few months. My thoughts filled my mind to the tippy top leaving little room or creativity energy for anything else. Hence, the distance between blog posts.
Lately, I’ve just been wondering what this new chapter looks like in my life. Everything is new and I’m stepping into a new part of life. While it’s scary, it’s also given me an opportunity to sit down and really ask myself: “what do I want to create now?”
What a beautiful question, right? When you take the power back into your hands and ask yourself what you want to make of your life now, it’s so amazing.
"Every time I would say “eh, maybe I can’t make this happen” something would come up to make it possible again."
So often we write down these goals, intentions, aspirations but rarely take the next step to make them happen. We jot them down in a notebook, sticky note, in our phones and say “yeah, I really want this in my life!” And then we put it away, go & do something else and forget that we wanted that. Or remember we wanted it but feel defeated in trying to make it come alive.
I know, I’ve been there. More times than I can count on my fingers & toes. But not this time.
This time, I knew exactly what I wanted, how I wanted it to be, what it would look like, how I would feel having it, what I would need to do to get it & so much more. I wanted this so bad I could feel almost like a constant push on my back towards it. Every time I would say “eh, maybe I can’t make this happen” something would come up to make it possible again.
Having a place to call my own was meant to be mine. That was my goal, to get my own studio apartment by myself.
I’d lived on my own in a sense before but it was always with friends, family or a significant other. I’ve never had my own apartment where everything in it was mine, there were no rules to follow except for the ones I’d created and I didn’t have to tip toe around anyone else.
"I felt like I wasn’t capable of such a luxury, that I’d never be able to afford it, I didn’t have enough style to decorate it the way I wanted, etc. The excuses went on."
I wanted this more than anything. I wanted this so bad that I was willing to commit to eating ramen noodles (like the 99 cent package of noodles) to make this happen. I wanted this for myself, down to my core.
Throughout my journey of self-awareness, I’ve learned that I struggle with codependency. This trait shows in several different areas of my life but it’s definitely one of the reasons I’ve never taken the leap of living on my own. I felt like I wasn’t capable of such a luxury, that I’d never be able to afford it, I didn’t have enough style to decorate it the way I wanted, etc. The excuses went on.
"It was as if the Universe was waiting for me to utter the words “I’m ready” and then immediately smacked me on the head with a wand and got it started."
But, once I recognized that this next part of my journey, the journey of even more self-discovery, needed to start with living on my own, it was like the Universe set it in motion. It was as if the Universe was waiting for me to utter the words “I’m ready” and then immediately smacked me on the head with a wand and got it started.
Once it was set in motion though, I had to keep it in motion. You know how it works. The second you want something; the fear & ego do everything they can to make it NOT happen. So these are the 7 things I did to make my goal come alive.
1| Said it out loud
Thinking something in your head is great. But it doesn’t make it real. I had to say it out loud that I wanted to get my own apartment and live on my own. I told my closest friends & family. This helps because it also holds you accountable.
2| Made a budget
Raise your hand if you have a fear of making really big purchases? Me too. The idea of paying for 1st month’s rent, security deposit and everything I needed to get into an apartment (bed, lamp, kitchen stuff, etc.) threw me into an anxiety attack. In my head, the amount seemed insurmountable. So I sat down with my budget and crunched the numbers. This made it more manageable because I knew exactly how much I needed to save & budget for in the future.
3| Asked for help
I come from a family of very strong women who was taught to be able to handle our own. While I struggle with codependency as mentioned above, I have a hard time taking help from others. It’s almost like I know I depend on people a lot so I try to swing the pendulum the other way and never ask for help. Not this time. I called on my family and just asked for them to keep me encouraged, motivated and moving towards this. This helped so much when it’s 11 pm and you’re in a fear tornado ready to give up.
4| Let go & let flow
I had to stop stressing about the outcome. Sometimes you want something so bad you don’t allow yourself to enjoy the process of getting it. I chose to loosen the grip and stop forcing things. The exact bed frame is now sold out? Okay, I’ll find another one. The one bedroom is above my budget? No worries, the large studio will be perfect. I remembered this quote “what is for me won’t pass me by.”
5| Sit with the fear
Sometimes you’ve just gotta sit with the ugly feelings. No one wants to be scared or anxious. But sometimes you have to recognize you’re scared and push through it. Running from it would’ve kept me living at my parents’ house or finding a friend to live with instead. But sitting with the fear let me know that I was doing something big & scary but oh so worth it.
6| Remembered my why
When you’re in the thick of it, it’s so easy to forget why you ever wanted something to begin with. You can start to feel so far removed from that once sparked a fire that got you so excited in the first place. But right your why down. Why do you want this? Why are you deserving of this? Remember that. Because it’s not an accident, it’s not foolish or silly. You want this for a reason. You deserve this for a reason. Let that be that spark you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
7| Stayed grateful
This is literally the most important one of them all. Continue to stay grateful. Everything that’s happened in your life is for a reason. Yes, even the bad stuff. But continue to shout your gratitude as loud as you do your problems. No matter how hard things are or how dark times can be, you’re alive, you’re breathing, you have people that care about you. You have the ability to have goals & to move towards them. Say a little prayer, something as simple as “I am grateful” to remind yourself of your gratitude. The more gratitude that you give out, the more you’ll get.
If you didn’t see my Instagram post about it, I cried real happy tears on Saturday night, my first night in my apartment. Because my dream came true. Something I’d wanted so badly and worked so hard for was right before my eyes. It was a beautiful thing to experience. I so deeply hope you get the opportunity to experience it too.